Be All Aware
by Kare Uta
Summary: Bryan comes home emotionally destroyed and beating himself up over things in his bedroom. His dearest friends only want to help. BryanxKaixTala friendship. Oneshot.


_**Be Well Aware**_

The slamming sound of the front door erupted throughout the whole house, contrast to the way Bryan walked inside and up the stairs to his bedroom, and slamming that door too. He put his back to the footboard of his bed, shaking his head as he slid down it, hitting the ground hard but not caring how much it hurt. He knocked his head back against the wood repetitively. Once, twice, thrice.

'_I thought I'd be okay…okay if I never saw her!' _

Not being long enough with her to get a name, not being with her at all before she decided to abandon him. Why he even bothered looking on the bright side of things ever since he left the abbey…he couldn't understand why he chose to think that way. What was the point? What was the point of breathing and living as long as he did? Maybe in the back of his mind he wished that some day he would see her…that maybe by some sort of miracle she would one day recognize him, maybe she'd see him, maybe she'd feel bad for abandoning him in the most heartless way she could have.

'_What a waste of __**breath**__!'_ Another slam, his back bruising against the bed. _'__**Why**__ did I __**bother**__?'_

It'd be safe to say that this was a reason he'd cry every day. The reason he cried every day as a kid, and why he still cried to this day. He just wanted her to feel something when she saw him, happiness, sadness, pain, guilt or just something that let him know how she felt about him being gone for so long! But she didn't even notice him! She didn't even recognize him! He could have easily forgotten about her if she didn't want to see him. _But she didn't even recognize him!_ It…couldn't have killed him any faster than it did. He got up and kicked the foot of his bed, collapsing forward, gripping the wood as he continued to kick it, getting weaker by the moment.

He clapped a hand over his mouth, he was almost sure he'd feel sick at any moment. Tears actually slipped from his eyes now, he wasn't expecting them so soon but they were rapid, uncontrollable. He heard a knock on his door, he dubbed over the foot of his bed, on his knees. "Don't come in!" there was only a hint of tremor in his voice but it had been heard, it was the motive for the person behind the door to come in.

"Bryan…what's the matter?" The door closed.

"Get the hell out, Kai!"

The older blader sat down on the bed, looking in his direction, "What's the matter, Bryan?"

"I saw _her_."

"Who?" Confusion erupted in his voice, who could've possibly made him feel this bad? "Bryan, who did you see?"

"Stop saying my name like that!"

Kai got up, moving over to Bryan and turning him round so he'd sit down on the ground with his back to the board, joining him on the ground where they could hopefully have a better conversation. Bryan held a pained look on his face and went back to knocking his head back against the bed, Kai holding his head in place by his forehead to stop him. "What are you doing?"

"Get out."

"No."

"_Please_ get out." He didn't want anyone around him for a while. He just wanted to be alone, he didn't want any more people around him for a while.

Kai pulled an arm around the boy's shoulders and tugging him closer to him, "Maybe I can help! Just tell me what you saw!"

Bryan got off the ground, kicking the bed and then proceeding to do the same to the wall on the other side of the room, "My mom!"

"What?!"

"Don't you dare say I'm crazy! I _know_ what I saw!" Bryan turned round, collapsing back against the wall. "I was at the grocery store…I ran out of cigarettes so I went to buy more. She was there, finishing up her shopping and she had too many bags and she dropped one. I helped pick things up…I didn't realize who she was until I saw her face and heard her voice at the same time." It didn't take much longer for his voice to crack completely, causing him to rest his face in between his drawn up legs and his heaving chest.

Kai was in front of him from then on, on his knees so he could be at the other male's level, "You always wanted to see her."

Bryan lifted his head quickly, "She didn't even recognize me! We spoke for five minutes, she's visiting her sister not far from here, and she didn't even see a resemblance." He let out a sigh, a small defeated smirk on his features, "And its not like her motherly instincts didn't kick in either…she was telling me about how 'boys my age shouldn't be dealing with addictions like smoking'."

"And you're sure it was her? She'd look different after all these years."

The lavender haired male got up and walked over to the window, teeth grit hard, "I have been looking at her picture every single day since I found out it existed. You know, your parents are both dead, you know that, you found the death certificates in your file. Me? I was found in an alley, on the streets, two days after my birth! They knew who my mom was, they had her picture and then I got to it…it gave me some sort of faith, Kai."

"This really means a lot to you." Kai mumbled.

Bryan leant back against the wall, shaking his head hurriedly and wiping the moisture of his cheeks, "It's nothing…I'm being an idiot."

The older boy pulled the younger close to him, he understood now how difficult it must've been for him to handle this after so long of having faith. "You're not an idiot just because you chose to believe in something." He led him over to the bed and the two sat down, in the back of his mind hoping that he could keep him sitting for a while. "We're all able to be cold and emotionless around the rest of the world, because we know that when we're around each other we can break down. If you want to…"

"No." He shook his head hurriedly, he knew he wouldn't resort to opening up about something like this, especially with his emotions running as high as they were. "I'll be fine."

"Bryan, if you…"

"Damn it Kai, have some faith in me."

The door behind them opened, "Can't you two have a decent conversation? Always yelling is involved." Having walked over to them and seeing the gloomy look on Bryan's face, Tala was left staring as he hadn't seen his teammate like that in a long time. "What's the matter?"

Kai shook his head a little, biting down on his lip and giving Tala a look that said he'd explain later. He turned back to Bryan, seeing him fairing a little better, "Christy was thinking of coming over tonight to make us dinner, will you be okay for that or do you want us to tell her to forget about it for tonight?"

"Don't worry, I'll be back to normal by then."

Kai was about to say something else but Tala put a hand on his shoulder and interrupted him, "Come on Kai, he said he'll be okay, give the guy a break." He pulled Kai up, directing him to the door so that they could leave Bryan alone for a while. From behind Kai's back, Bryan mouthed 'thank you' to the redhead but was only returned with Tala glaring at him a little, implying that he had better handle himself just fine if he wanted to keep Kai out of it. Once the two had got to the door, Kai was out first, Tala still shutting the door when he saw Bryan burying his face hard into the pillow.

"So what's the matter with him?" Tala asked, following his older friend down the hall.

"He saw his mom."

He paused suddenly, "Seriously?"

Kai nodded as he kept walking down the stairs, Tala catching up and standing beside him at the foot of the stairs, waiting for him to continue explaining, "She's here visiting some relative. Bryan saw her when he went to by a pack, they talked, he knew for sure that it was her but she didn't even recognize him." They entered the kitchen and from the counter he saw the solemn look on Tala's face, "Feel bad that we left him alone now?"

"Sort of."

"Do you ever think that…maybe Bryan worked hardest out of all of us to get things in his life better?"

"We all worked our hardest to make things in our lives better, it's just that some get farther than others." He took a seat on the window sill and stared out into the darkening sky, the rain making an almost heart-breaking sound against the glass.

The oldest Russian took a glance to the window where his friend was, sighed and continued to work on making coffee while continuing with his thoughts aloud, "Bryan chose to put his faith in something, he was always like that, even as a kid. Boris screwed that up for him…then when we left and came here he tried to put his faith into something that would help him move forward. The thing is… we weren't always sure of what he put his faith in…maybe he put all his faith in his mom, that maybe she cared about him, that maybe if she'd have known what he'd have to suffer then she wouldn't have done what she did. If that's all he put his faith in then…"

"He'll be fine! Bryan… Bryan isn't going to do anything stupid." Tala rested his forehead against the glass for a while as he realized just how unsure of that he actually sounded, until Kai came and sat down next to him, handing him a cup of coffee. "You really think he'll try something?"

"He said something to me, it sort of put me off a little, 'It's nothing…I'm being an idiot' and it made me think that what he's doing is normal. This was his mom after all, how would you and I be able to understand? We both know that our parents are dead, because of that they never crossed our minds once. But Bryan's totally different from us…he wasn't given up to the Abbey because his parents died, he was given up because his mother left him on the streets. I mean how would that feel to us? …Being born and not wanted."

"He doesn't even love his mom but…at the back of his mind, he tried to convince himself that she really did want to look after him."

Kai nodded, "He's just scared, scared because he gave himself something to believe in and now that's gone so he's back where he started."

"Am I the only person who thinks that Bryan always gets the worst end of things and he always handles them better than you and I would?" Tala could see Kai nod out of the corner of his eye before he continued, "I'm sure he'll be okay. He's…feeling betrayed and just…hurt. I think he just needs to throw a tantrum or something, he might feel better in the morning."

"Even if it's just that, let's be careful."

_**--Later--**_

The redhead gave up on knocking on Bryan's door when he wanted to check on him, just opening the door and stepping inside to inspect the damage. Kai and him had been hearing crashing sounds, smashing, tears and anything short of the sound of a bomb from Bryan's bedroom but neither chose to enter the room, thinking that as long as there were those kinds of sounds, it meant that at least Bryan still hadn't killed himself or anything.

After a while though, the whole room had gone quiet and the other two were no longer able to hear a sound coming from the room. That was when Tala decided that the silence had gone on for far too long and went to check on his childhood friend. The damage on the inside of the room wasn't as bad as he expected. The wardrobe was open, the mirror on the inside of it was smashed and lying on the ground, thankfully no sight of blood on the broken shards that lay over an open drawer of clothing. A vase that was on the nightstand had been smashed too, no blood there either.

The rest of the damage there didn't matter though, the most amount of damage in the whole room was that of the owner of the room. He was at his desk, his head resting on his arms with a serene look on his face. Usually, Tala would've liked seeing that but his attention had been taken by the box of pills just in front of Bryan on the desk which was the only thing Tala needed to start forcing his friend awake.

Bryan was awake with a start, having gotten out of his chair in a hurry and holding onto the back of it for support, "Tala, what the hell…"

"Bryan, did you take something?"

Bryan, stilly hazy from sleep, shook his head with a bewildered look on his face, "What?" Tala gave him an even more alarmed look as he held up the pills and Bryan allowed a deep exhale before sitting back down, "It's nothing Tala. I've got a headache, I took two to stop the pain."

Tala didn't quite believe him, having seen that the box was almost empty, "There are only four left."

"I've been telling you that for the past week I've been getting headaches! Haven't you been listening to me?" He decided he was no longer comfortable in his chair, picking up the diary he'd had his head on, shoving it in a draw and going to rest on his bed. "Trust me Tala, if I were going to kill myself I would've taken them all, and _not_ leave four."

"We're just worried about you Bryan."

"Clearly, if you think I'm going to off myself because of this."

Tala sighed a little, Bryan just couldn't understand the way they thought about him sometimes. "We just know when things mean a lot to you and it hurts when things don't go the way we'd like them to." They sat in silence for a few minutes so Tala just shook his head and hit Bryan's leg lightly as he stood up, "Come downstairs, Christy made dinner for us and she got you your favorite dessert too." He watched him lie there for maybe another minute, then continuing, "Come on, you said you'd be fine by the time she got here and now she's here. You'll offend her if you don't come down there."

Within minutes of those words passing the boy's lips, the two were downstairs where a girl about their age was serving food at the table. "Bryan…" she ran up to him and embraced him hurriedly, she was maybe the only girl on Earth allowed to do that. "I heard …"

Bryan gripped her waist before a second before moving her away slowly, "It's okay." He took in her look and everyone else's, that of his two closest friends, "Really guys, it's okay, I'll be fine."

"Well…he promised me he wasn't going to off himself any time soon." Tala comforted them. "Right Bryan?"

Bryan nodded quickly, the quicker he got his friends off his back the better, "Right, I'll be fine, I'll get over it."

Though how sure could they all have been about him getting over it? When would he get over it? No one was sure but they knew he'd get over it eventually but Tala still noticed the torn up picture of Bryan's mother in the trashcan in his bedroom. Maybe that was his way of helping himself deal with it, he wasn't sure but in the end, as long as Bryan was going to be okay then they were all happy with that. They were family now. After all they'd been through, it was hard to seperate themselves from each other. They were friends, they were the only family they had. Now was the only time that Bryan realized that.

**A/N: So I was suffering from a severe form of writers block. I then heard the song '****9gatsu 3ka no kokuin' by MUCC and it brought me out of the writers block a little bit at a time and this is the result of that. I understand that this isn't very good work, but I'm still recovering so please understand that I tried relatively hard to write something good. Please leave a review and let me know what you thought of this, even if it wasn't very good in comparison to my other stuff. **

**The song is beautifully done and if you watch the video with subtitles (Youtube) then you'll understand how it inspired this. Take care of yourselves! **


End file.
